Learning and Living With a False Personality Structure

What a time this is! I am alternately sad and angry and optimistic at the possibilities for change that will allow us to accept what is actually happening: our resolve to do the right thing, our persistence at following our hearts, and our compassion for others in less fortunate circumstances have the potential for deep changes in our culture. It will take a great deal of focus and as in our meditation, concentration.

There is love, and then there is fear. For those of us who are comfortable, it is easier to come from a place of love. This will make a difference, I am convinced.

Though I am reading an obscure novel that might not be considered great reading, I still feel I get a lot out of the content. Probably nobody has heard of The Fifth Rule of Ten (Tenzing Norbu Mystery), by Gay Hendricks.  It is a good series based on a monk who left his monastery, Dharamshala, the Dalai Lama’s in Tibet, and came to the US when he was just 18. He didn’t just come to anywhere, USA, but to LA. The book is about how he reconciles his Buddhist ideals and knowledge with his commitment to being a cop who carries a gun that in fact, may be used. I like it a lot. He then becomes a private eye, which I have always wanted to be.

One idea brought up in this last book of the series, number 5, is that Narcissists need to create false structures to be upheld and the weaker the false structure, the more support required. Otherwise, if the structure falls apart, their world is essentially scary and untenable. So, they use their talents to recruit others to regulate their reality whenever possible.

I have been thinking about my own ‘needed’ structures that I construct and hope that others will help maintain. (I think we all do this to some extent, it’s just that Narcissists REALLY need them!) One such structure is the view of my self as personality. However I see myself, I need others to see me in the same light. I may alter what I say and do somewhat to have the other perceive me just so. And this was true for my unwanted slogan, ‘I’m so busy, so sorry, I can’t do that now.’ I look at that now that I have been on the road for 5 months and feel ashamed by it.

There is so much pushing away with this sentiment and I recognize it’s because of my fear of intimacy. I must have felt that getting close – or “too close” was just too scary. I didn’t trust myself, and most likely, I didn’t feel I could be really loved. I feel sorry for doing this repeatedly over the many years. I know it made me feel important and a ‘somebody’. Consequently, I know I have lost time in making deeper friendships and now I resolve to try and be as committed to the time I spend with folks as meaningful and long-lasting.

I spent some really good time with Matt and Courtney, Isabella and Emil this Thanksgiving. It was lovely and very important for our family. Not having Tom here to keep us coalesced, it now seems up to me, the matriarch (!!) to deepen our ties and the love we have to share.

Many blessings to you all, I really look forward to seeing you in December. This will be after some time with my brother and his wife in Tucson, AZ.          Love, Elizabeth

I spent some wonderful time in New Mexico at Georgia O’Keeffe’s home, Ghost Ranch, in Acqui. Santa Fe was incredible too! Here’s some photos from the experience.


Padernal Mountain, one of the images often seen in her paintings. 


A familiar image from her paintings, as well. But, this is real! 



Oldest Church in Santa Fe


Sculpture art in Sante Fe, on famed art gallery road: Canyon Rd.



Kind of how I feel sometimes when I am on the road seeing the beautiful sites of this country. 


2 thoughts on “Learning and Living With a False Personality Structure

  1. sandra russum says:

    ok , I don’t know if it’s my false self or real self talking. Being a libra and one of 8, I some times see everyones point of view. I’m struggling with saying exactly what I think around people who do not get it is fear or love. I think I could just say what I know for myself, and understand they may not agree with me. Then let them know I would be happy to hear there side, if they also would listen to mine. OK there it is, my answer for today.


  2. Barbara Breslau says:

    I love your reflection on how being too busy keeps us from deepening our relationships with others. For me, it has also kept me from myself recently as I avoid my grief over the loss of my son. As i slow down I can feel myself going deeper. It is not very comfortable, but it is where my feelings are avoiding those felings does not make them go away.

    Glad you had a good Thanksgiving with the family.

    Looking forward to seeing you in California in a couple of weeks.


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